Auto-pilot on Anger

I hear something.
I see something.
A new issue.
A horrible situation.
It stirs emotions,
Captures my attention.
I stew over the ideas and concepts,
In-inevitably they work their way into the way I think.

Anger.

A strong emotion.
almost one of the strongest.

Unbridled -
Dangerous.

Un-accounted -
Disastrous

I struggle with the natural inclination to dwell here
In this state of anger - even righteous anger
without paying attention to the direction of my momentum

Anger is a fuel.
It pushes us in a particular direction.
Self-control is my hands on the steering- wheel, and the word of God navigating the way.
Self- control without God is only zealous and radical,
Anger without self-control is as dangerous as a truck on full speed with a monkey as a driver.

By this you are conquered....

Over the past couple of years I have had this thought in regards to relationships....

If only in revenge I can forgive...
            then by that I have been conquered
If only in their suffering I can feel satisfied...
            then by that I have been conquered
If only in their pain I can release a grudge...
            then by that I have been conquered
If only in their death I can find some peace...
            then by death I have been conquered
But,
If in the fact they are alive I can find peace..
              then by that I live
If in their comfort and well being I seek restitution...
              then by that I live
If in their hope I can be satisfied...
              then by that I live
If in their present situation I can forgive...
              then I live


But I think that this concept goes much further. In all aspects of life we set up boundaries and fences in places where they probably shouldn't be. We define our comfort zone and let that dictate our enjoyment and satisfaction in life. Our hope is in Christ. Our hope is to come.

If I am scared of the boogie man -
            then by the boogie man I have been conquered.
If I am crippled at the thought of natural disasters -
            then by those I have been conquered.
If I am caught up with the trappings of this world -
            then by those I have been conquered.
If I am terrified of violence and crime that might happen -
            then by that I have been conquered
If I am fixated on the happenings of the world and the dangers out there -
            then by those I have been conquered.
If only in perfect peace I can live... then by that ideal I am held.

What is are the dangers of this world if our hope is in Christ. Something that would become in between me and my eternal hope should be something that I am concerned about, and all others I should consider from that.
To be free! When I am not concerned about all these others things - I am free! I am free to be who God created me to be, I am free to worship him in all aspects of my life because I know my hope is greater that anything I can achieve by running away and trying to protect myself.  And, oh, how we will be free when we enter into eternity.

"Come to me all who are weary and heavy laden I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you for my yoke is easy and my burden is light."  - Matthew
Laying our burdens down - the worry, the grudges, the work, the stress and take up his. Love the Lord your God and Love your neighbour.

If I have my priorities correct, my first things first - maybe everything else will naturally fall into line.

Walking on a balance beam - taking sides

Pro-___________

Pro- Something

Anti-Something else. 

Clear lines, 

black and white,

justice. 

Simple.

But....

Complicated.

Injustice.

Shades of gray, 

Blurred lines,  

Support this - Ignore that...

Truth - We just want to expose the truth. To what extent will we go to support our cause and to debase the other? Many issues we face have people who would identify as pro - or anti- towards it.

Here is Israel - the Land Between, there are Pro-Israel and Pro-Palestine. Often people will come with certain ideas and notions about what they want to support and what they want to believe.  They come with their frame-work and they are looking to fill it with pictures. They want to hear stories that will fit with what they already think is 'truth'.

I'm not trying to say that there is no absolute truth. There is, and there always will be. But when it comes to these conflicts, there is often more involved than just one simple truth.

I feel like living here - is like living on a balance beam. There are people on both sides of the balance beam, and I want to reach out and take their hand - but I do not want them to pull me off of the beam. It is a balancing act, a challenge to not let you heart to be pulled by ones stories in a way that would automatically condemn the other.

In no way do I want to diminish the suffering and struggles that are experience on both sides of the conflict, at the hands of all governments involved. But neither I do not settle for simple answers that might alleviate suffering for one in turn for suffering of others.


We look to Jesus as our example. We quote the things he says and the actions he did. But what about the things that he didn't do? What about the opinions he didn't voice?

Jesus never condemned the Romans.

Jesus never condemned the occupying army with which the Jews had resisted for the the previous couple hundred year.

Jesus did say - Give to Cesar what is Cesar's.  (Matt 22:21)

Jesus did say - When you are forced to carry the burden one mile - carry it two.  (Matt. 5:41)

The Apostles Paul and Peter reiterates and states that we should submit to the government in authority. (Romans 13:1; 1 Peter 2:13)

So how does this translate to what we see happening on the ground? I don't know exactly. The longer I am here the more complicated it seems to become.

It will probably include submitting to the authority on both sides. In Israel I am accountable to their government and laws. In the West bank I am accountable to those in authority there, and on both sides they deserve the same respect and obedience.  Just because I don't agree with some of their injustices they do, doesn't mean that I can discount them completely.

There is one thing I am sure of - which will always be true. 

God loves the people on each side of this conflict. 

Rhythms and Complacency

I love rhythms.
I think most people like some sort of rhythm, even if it is a rhythm of spontaneity.

I have a normal time of waking up,  I have a normal breakfast time, place to eat and people I eat with. I tend to go for the same foods, the same beverages, and when I find something enjoy, I need a good reason  to try something else. I have a system of keeping my life organized so that I know what to expect and can plan for tomorrow, next week or next year.

Life in Israel has shown me a little about the feasts that God told his people to celebrate. Two seasons of celebration. On in the spring starting with Passover, and one in the fall starting with Rosh HaShanah, Now we are back to 'normal' days. They actually have a word or a phrase referring to the 'times after the holidays'.  The time when life starts to fall back into the normal rhythms of a work week (however than be defined here), schools start classes again, and life begins to fall into an expected rhythm.

I have heard the example of life being a combination of 'mountain-top' and 'valley-low' experiences, yet the way I experience it, it isn't always climbing or running down, there is a lot of flat land to cover too. And maybe the life on the flat-ground; the places where there is nothing really spectacular, and nothing really tragic, where our true character and endurance can be strengthened. The times when it is easy enough to do it on my own, not 'spectacular' enough that all would automatically recognize it as a miracle of God, and not lonely or hard enough to signal my heart that I need to turn to God or I'll never make it through.

Life likes the flat grounds. Even in real life, road, trails and natural routes like to follow the flat ground - it is easier to walk a mile of flat ground around the mountain than to go half a mile straight over it. In life - we get through the valley and aim for the places we know what to expect. We breath a sigh when vacation ends and life returns to normal. We settle in when school starts back up, as difficult as the change is, or tiring a Monday morning, we appreciate the 'getting back to normal'.

So rhythms - on the flat ground, the rhythms that give shape to our days weeks and years. They show a lot about what is important and how who we are. What are our priorities and what do we value? Some of the rhythms of my day and week I wish that I had better control of, getting homework done so I can sleep on time, making sure I can spend time in the word of God, being intentional about spending time with people.

There is a temptation to let my life fill up with rhythms that are so predictable that I don't keep time open for the unexpected and the time to really grow in faith and understanding.  Yes, on flat ground we could cover twenty miles in a day, but you'll learn a lot more about yourself, the people around you, and the path you are on, if you only go ten.

The Bible study I go to starts out usually by asking what has gone on in the past  two weeks, what have we learned, or what has God been showing us. Thinking about those questions has made me realize that the flat ground is an interesting time where there is potential for great benefit, but also potential for none at all.

One aspect of the rhythms in my life is a rhythm of 'distractions' - things that fill my time with really little to no benefit on long-term goals or present situations. The tv shows that I enjoy, a game I play on the computer, the logic puzzles, or pleasure reading are not 'bad', but if I were to let them take up all my time, they would be considered as such.  On a mountain-top or a valley-low, these could very easily be dropped out, but it is on the flat ground where they fill up my time. On the 'flat ground' I can let complacency take lead because it isn't hard work, I can let myself slip into a rhythm that doesn't allow time for important things.

On the other hand, 'flat ground' could be a time of benefit. It can be a time where, if I am intentional, I can learn a rhythm that supports what is important to me, and values what I want to value. Maybe it is the little things, like getting up a half hour earlier and spending a little time in God's word, or maybe it is not checking facebook another time before I start my homework. Or sticking to going to be on time instead of watching that one episode.

God gives us seasons and places to which he has called us. Each has it's own rhythms and pace. But God is bigger than the situation we are in, and as children of God it is to our benefit that we can see a the bigger perspective. Maybe the best rhythm for me is to go ten miles a day well, than 20 miles fast, anyways God never said that the winner was the one who went the furthest, just to run this race well.

Therefore, since we are surrounded by so great a cloud of witnesses, let us also lay aside every weight, and sin which clings so closely, and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us, 2 looking to Jesus, the founder and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy that was set before him endured the cross, despising the shame, and is seated at the right hand of the throne of God. - Hebrew 12:1-2

Happily Ever After...

So about six months ago I broke up with my first boyfriend.

It still sound weird for me to be writing this because I grew up with completely different hopes and expectations when it came to relationship.  And no, this isn't just a high-school teenager fling. I was twenty-two, dreaming about realistic futures and lives together. I grew up in a Christian family surrounded by Christian communities and it wasn't/isn't uncommon to hear someone telling you: wait - God has the perfect man in store for you, you just have to be patient.

Maybe it is true, actually I think there is a lot of wisdom to that. Jumping at every guy that says he likes you, in whatever form he means, is not right or healthy either. I've seen a fair share of young women who are going out with guys constantly, and while not all, but some of them don't look like healthy relationships.

Breaking up was hard. The time before, the struggling with where my heart was at, what I was hearing from God, and what my mind was thinking was hard.  I am firmly planted in my faith and I have learned a lot about trusting God where he is leading. It is practice of listening to his still small voice and being able to recognize it, even when it is saying things that I don't like, and this was one of them, to end this relationship, I had to give up my long held hope that I would marry the first man I dated.

So why was God asking me to end the relationship? Was it because is was bad? (probably not) Why was my heart saying one thing and my mind another? Was this God's 'will' for my life? There was so many questions running through my mind. It would have been easier if there was a clear cut reason, if there had been something that was purpose of breaking up. But nothing was that simple. He is a good guys, he loves God, works hard at what God has called him to be, so what was it?

Six months out, looking back, I think it was more about God wanting to work in my heart, to teach me and lead me to a further goal.  The only thing I could tangibility cling to, besides God moving in my heart, was the fact that we are quite different. Our personalities, the way we react and interact with people, but the process of seeing how different we were taught me incredible amounts about who I am.

When I held so tightly to the belief that if I waited God would lead 'the right' man to me and the first one I date I would marry, I built up walls around myself. I was 'off-limits'. I actually actively tried not to think about which guys I liked or didn't like, Talking about crushes, was a step worse than gossip. I wouldn't engage in talking with other girls about which guys were cute or nice, and it worked. I didn't think about it, and thus I didn't develop deep relationships with guys. There are so many opinions about how relationships should be done. I don't have all the answers. I  didn't talk about it a lot as a teenage, I didn't have older women who asked me about guys, or if they did I probably would have brushed it off because i didn't have a boyfriend. Maybe they too are not sure how to talk of this subject.

I have learned a lot. And I would like to share a couple insights from what I have learned over this past year.

1. People were created for relationships. Relationships are messy. Building walls to protect ourselves from relationships that may turn sour, is preventing us from healthy ones too. I have had a lot of practice at pretending that I am alright on my own, to the point that often I actually convince myself that I am better off that way.   I could pursue the quick way and claim friends among acquaintances, but now I am seeing the value and the effort that may be required to nurture deeper relationship more than just a boyfriend.
I am still learning how to do relationships/ friendship well. (I am using the term relationship in the broad sense, and probably could effectively use the term friendship... but the friendship I'm thinking about is the more than 'just friends'.) The messiness scares me, but I'm trusting that God can work through the messiness, and often it is worth it!

2. I have learned that I come from a family that has traditions and quirks that I value. I come from a fabric that unique and beautiful. I had the privilege to stay with my aunt and uncle over Christmas break, and although the culture in which they live is completely different than the one I grew up in, it was interesting to see how some things were still very similar. Our families come from the same fabric, and I value that.

3. I learned that I can disagree and that is ok. I have learned how I disagree and ways that are hard for me to express my disagreement. I often find that I can accept when others disagree with me, but I fear offending others if I were to express how I disagree with them. I'm not always going to agree with everyone. I don't need to. God made me who I am, with my own thoughts and opinions, and while I need to be open to those being thought through more and possibly changing, I don't need to agree.

4. I learned more about what I appreciate and what look for in relationships. I think I am seeing that different people receive differently from relationships. Some people appreciate the support and the company, while other value the conversations. Relationships are two way streets, both give and receive. But what your definition of a good time is might vary, or your interests will be different. It's finding the balance and cultivating friendships that where we can encourage each other.
There seems to be a unique blessing in some relationships that they are more effective together than apart, and I desire to encourage those relationships.

5. I learned to prioritize my relationship with God. Throughout the relationship we recognized that Christ needed to be our foundation. But that is going to look differently for each person. And we cannot rely on the other person's relationship with Christ to be our relationship with Christ. And while putting God at the center is important, it wasn't the sign and seal that everything would work out like we had planned.

6. It's ok for it not to work out. I was told by someone, if you choose to pursue a relationship, you choose the consequences too. Whether it works our or not, take ownership of it. Yes, we broke up. I'm not ashamed of it. I don't regret the relationship. I learned and grew from it.

God is bigger than our messes. As a Christian I have the temptation to make everything look right. I've had lots of practice, but sometimes it gets in the way. Like when I feel that I can't be real with God about the messiness, or when I expect that if there is messiness, it means that I'm doing something wrong.  Neither should be the case. God may not have called me to 'fix' the messiness in my friend's life, but just to stand there with them while God works in their life. Only God has the power to heal, to change hearts and clean up broken lives. Be His child, and if you or your friend is hurting, remember 'my daddy can make it better...'

Lastly, I have realized that above all I still need to follow God. It may not always make sense to me at the present, and it might make me look a little crazy, but God knows what I need, not just what I want. And if that means I have to lay down my dream of happily ever after.... so be it.

I'm desperate to see...

I'm not blind,
I'm not hiding in the dark,
but I can't find what I am looking for
and I'm desperate to see.

It might sound cliche, but I'm looking for hope.

I'm looking for the hope for the lost,
A place of refuge in the storm.
A people who welcome
A people who refuse to believe labels and rumors of labels.
I'm looking for a safe place,
No not for me, but for them.
A place where walls can come down
A place where they will be free.

It might sound cliche, but I'm looking for hope.

I'm looking for the place that brings restoration here,
A place that doesn't just paint it's walls white,
A people that don't hide behind policy
And let grudges and fear pile up
I'm looking for a place that is open
No, not for me, but for them
A place where dirt is normal
A place where they will be free.

It might sound cliche, but I'm looking for hope.

I'm looking for the place where people are really seen.
A place that doesn't just push them off,
A people that look beyond the rough, and to the heart
A people that see beyond the hurt, and to the need
I'm looking for a place that really loves,
No, not for me, but for them.
A place where hurt isn't the end
A place where they will be free.

It might sound cliche, but I'm looking for hope.

I'm looking for the place where Jesus is (Matthew 18:20)
A place that isn't fill with the healthy (Matthew 9:12; Mark 2:17)
A people that care for the despised (Matthew 9:10)
A people who realize, they were them once too (1 Corinthians 6:11)
I'm looking for a place that hopes (1 Corinthians 13:7)
No, not for me, but for them.
A place where their history doesn't matter (2 Corinthians 2:17)
A place where they will be free. (Galatians 5:13)

It might sound cliche, but I'm looking for hope.

And despite all the promises and good words
the motivations and speculations
when the rubber hits the road (or other cliche saying that might not be as sweet)
I don't see the hope
And I'm desperate to see.

"I set them as markers of days, months and year..."

I can imagine God saying words like that as he gently explains the way he created his universe.
The sun, the moon, the stars, they have their purposes and they set in rhythm the times and seasons. The only frame of time that we follow that is not explained by these heavenly bodies is the week.  And yet I feel as if today, the week might be the most important rhythm that we follow. Meeting are scheduled by the week. Everyone knows when the weekend comes and the when is will be over, we get excited about long weekends, or special weeks.

"Six days you shall work and on the seventh you shall rest" we all like a day of rest, and honestly we know we are better with it.  Yet I have noticed that too often we let the chaos of the world seep into our sacred times and spaces.

God created the world out of nothing, but not just the complete absence of substance, but complete and utter chaos.  I imagine it to be like when a storm comes through and reports use the phrase 'completely wiped out' 'nothing left', but there is something there, but what is left is complete chaos and unusable in any way shape or form. It is worse than just starting with a blank slate because you have got to know what to do with the mess that is left.  Maybe it is that there was literally no matter, and in addition to that the laws of nature and the way that we know life to function were also in complete disarray. (*I am not a scientist and have no way of proving stuff like this, so please take it with a large grain of salt)

And with his very own words God called order out of the chaos, separating the water and the land, the sky and the earth, each animal from the next. He separated spaces and he separated times and it was the way that it was suppose to be.

"On the seventh he rested from all his work" he not only rested, he blessed that day and made it holy, set apart for rest. And this too was order out of the chaos.

Six days were created to create and the seventh was created to rest. I find myself all too often taking my rest while I ought to be creating and then end up creating in the space where I ought to be resting. I take breaks or let myself get distracted, telling myself deadlines are further away. I putter away, until time gets around and to accomplish the things I need to I end up sacrificing the day of rest.

The rhythms and cycles of days, weeks, months and years, is one of the ways that God brings order to chaos. And something inside seems that when we start to disregard these ways, in a subtle way we are telling God that our ways are better than his. That to rest now, or to work then is better than the way that he set it to be.

I do understand that it is impossible for everyone to strictly follow all the rules that the Pharisees laid out, and by not mean do I EVER want to advocate or go back to that. That seems to be equally chaotic as not doing it at all. Living in Israel this year, there are three different 'holy days' and they are celebrated by the three major religions, it is slightly complicated at first, but after a little, it becomes a rhythm and each one falls into a rhythm of creating and resting.

I am going to do my best to create what God has set for me to create so that I can truly rest when God has set time to rest.