So about six months ago I broke up with my first boyfriend.
It still sound weird for me to be writing this because I grew up with completely different hopes and expectations when it came to relationship. And no, this isn't just a high-school teenager fling. I was twenty-two, dreaming about realistic futures and lives together. I grew up in a Christian family surrounded by Christian communities and it wasn't/isn't uncommon to hear someone telling you: wait - God has the perfect man in store for you, you just have to be patient.
Maybe it is true, actually I think there is a lot of wisdom to that. Jumping at every guy that says he likes you, in whatever form he means, is not right or healthy either. I've seen a fair share of young women who are going out with guys constantly, and while not all, but some of them don't look like healthy relationships.
Breaking up was hard. The time before, the struggling with where my heart was at, what I was hearing from God, and what my mind was thinking was hard. I am firmly planted in my faith and I have learned a lot about trusting God where he is leading. It is practice of listening to his still small voice and being able to recognize it, even when it is saying things that I don't like, and this was one of them, to end this relationship, I had to give up my long held hope that I would marry the first man I dated.
So why was God asking me to end the relationship? Was it because is was bad? (probably not) Why was my heart saying one thing and my mind another? Was this God's 'will' for my life? There was so many questions running through my mind. It would have been easier if there was a clear cut reason, if there had been something that was purpose of breaking up. But nothing was that simple. He is a good guys, he loves God, works hard at what God has called him to be, so what was it?
Six months out, looking back, I think it was more about God wanting to work in my heart, to teach me and lead me to a further goal. The only thing I could tangibility cling to, besides God moving in my heart, was the fact that we are quite different. Our personalities, the way we react and interact with people, but the process of seeing how different we were taught me incredible amounts about who I am.
When I held so tightly to the belief that if I waited God would lead 'the right' man to me and the first one I date I would marry, I built up walls around myself. I was 'off-limits'. I actually actively tried not to think about which guys I liked or didn't like, Talking about crushes, was a step worse than gossip. I wouldn't engage in talking with other girls about which guys were cute or nice, and it worked. I didn't think about it, and thus I didn't develop deep relationships with guys. There are so many opinions about how relationships should be done. I don't have all the answers. I didn't talk about it a lot as a teenage, I didn't have older women who asked me about guys, or if they did I probably would have brushed it off because i didn't have a boyfriend. Maybe they too are not sure how to talk of this subject.
I have learned a lot. And I would like to share a couple insights from what I have learned over this past year.
1. People were created for relationships. Relationships are messy. Building walls to protect ourselves from relationships that may turn sour, is preventing us from healthy ones too. I have had a lot of practice at pretending that I am alright on my own, to the point that often I actually convince myself that I am better off that way. I could pursue the quick way and claim friends among acquaintances, but now I am seeing the value and the effort that may be required to nurture deeper relationship more than just a boyfriend.
I am still learning how to do relationships/ friendship well. (I am using the term relationship in the broad sense, and probably could effectively use the term friendship... but the friendship I'm thinking about is the more than 'just friends'.) The messiness scares me, but I'm trusting that God can work through the messiness, and often it is worth it!
2. I have learned that I come from a family that has traditions and quirks that I value. I come from a fabric that unique and beautiful. I had the privilege to stay with my aunt and uncle over Christmas break, and although the culture in which they live is completely different than the one I grew up in, it was interesting to see how some things were still very similar. Our families come from the same fabric, and I value that.
3. I learned that I can disagree and that is ok. I have learned how I disagree and ways that are hard for me to express my disagreement. I often find that I can accept when others disagree with me, but I fear offending others if I were to express how I disagree with them. I'm not always going to agree with everyone. I don't need to. God made me who I am, with my own thoughts and opinions, and while I need to be open to those being thought through more and possibly changing, I don't need to agree.
4. I learned more about what I appreciate and what look for in relationships. I think I am seeing that different people receive differently from relationships. Some people appreciate the support and the company, while other value the conversations. Relationships are two way streets, both give and receive. But what your definition of a good time is might vary, or your interests will be different. It's finding the balance and cultivating friendships that where we can encourage each other.
There seems to be a unique blessing in some relationships that they are more effective together than apart, and I desire to encourage those relationships.
5. I learned to prioritize my relationship with God. Throughout the relationship we recognized that Christ needed to be our foundation. But that is going to look differently for each person. And we cannot rely on the other person's relationship with Christ to be our relationship with Christ. And while putting God at the center is important, it wasn't the sign and seal that everything would work out like we had planned.
6. It's ok for it not to work out. I was told by someone, if you choose to pursue a relationship, you choose the consequences too. Whether it works our or not, take ownership of it. Yes, we broke up. I'm not ashamed of it. I don't regret the relationship. I learned and grew from it.
God is bigger than our messes. As a Christian I have the temptation to make everything look right. I've had lots of practice, but sometimes it gets in the way. Like when I feel that I can't be real with God about the messiness, or when I expect that if there is messiness, it means that I'm doing something wrong. Neither should be the case. God may not have called me to 'fix' the messiness in my friend's life, but just to stand there with them while God works in their life. Only God has the power to heal, to change hearts and clean up broken lives. Be His child, and if you or your friend is hurting, remember 'my daddy can make it better...'
Lastly, I have realized that above all I still need to follow God. It may not always make sense to me at the present, and it might make me look a little crazy, but God knows what I need, not just what I want. And if that means I have to lay down my dream of happily ever after.... so be it.
